Contemplations of a now *20* year old human, and some stuff I've learned along the way.

Hello, 

I guess I should start with the obvious, I've posted nothing in over a year. But hey, I had some thoughts -I mean I always have thoughts, it's kind of a thing I do- and I figured this is a good place to write them out. I'm not always in a writing mood, definitely a verbal processor. However I've officially completed 20ish laps around the sun (the 'ish' being that a full earth's orbit around the sun is actually 365.25 days) as of yesterday, May 15th. Maybe that is a satisfactory enough explanation for my contemplative state. 

I just need to pick a place to start...

I suppose an update is well overdue?

Ok, so I wrapped up my 10 months in Sweden beginning of June 2022. It was exactly what I needed after a somewhat torturous 13 years of school and a monotonous yearly schedule. And by the time my school had wrapped up, I felt content with returning home. Knowing a job and future university program, as well as family/friends awaited me. Unfortunately for reasons I am still unclear on, my chronic health issues decided to make a comeback. As scary as that felt in trying to work full time, I was hopeful about the progress I was making. I was put on medication for acid reflux. While that was news to me, I now realize that it has been an issue for a very long time, but I digress...

I felt confident in this more experienced and mature version of myself that I had come home as. And I was very very excited about starting university. The first term of year 1 was rough, big learning curve. Didn't do very well in any of my classes. But I passed all of them. Also as much as I love that a university year is shorter than elementary or high school years... man oh man that end-of-term craziness is a special kind of awful when it coincides with holidays and the new year. By the end of it, I was thinking to myself, huh I wonder if this program is actually for me? Thankfully by the start of term 2, I had a renewed sense of interest and excitement. Needless to say, I was confident I had made the right choice of program. I am very excited about the potential opportunities and the field of study. Contrary to high school, I feel like my studies are with a purpose or an end goal in mind. It is awesome to be studying content that is related to my interests (that is not to say every class is easy peasy lemon squeezy, some are very much stressed depressed lemon zest). The university experience has a big need for being able to adapt, which I've managed for my first year. Definitely picked up some betterish habits, but I'm still a ways away from where I want to be. I realized with my program that a passing grade is not going to work for me the way it used to. There isn't the same level of memorization as STEM programs have, I need to be able to understand and dissect complex topics. So if I want to be able to receive the opportunities I want so badly I really need to be successful in my program. I finished my second term at the end of April. Finally got my marks back, some of them are nice surprises but others I accurately assumed were not gonna be good enough. Even though my class marks and CGPA are not ideal I have made peace with redoing some classes. 

Anyways that essentially brings us up to speed. So where am I at now? What ongoing existential thoughts have been rolling around the ol' noggin? 

Let's see...

One thing I know for sure is that I certainly felt 19, but 20? Not so much. 19 is this lovely age where you are technically an adult (at least in the whole of Canada) but you've still not hit the 20s yet, where you know, you're and adult adult. 19 means that, yeah I can drink, drive, vote, and be independent. But if you live at home and are dependent on your parents then that makes sense cause you're 19. 

20 to me feels like huh, why haven't I figured this adult thing out yet? A sort of reminder that there are these unspoken expectations I have only for myself that I need to be at a certain point in life given my age. 

Ooo here is something I've been pondering recently; so obviously problems / challenges don't just disappear because you've hit a specific age. Mental and physical health issues don't care about what stage of life you're in. This is something I should be painfully aware of. But to be honest it's been a bit more of a subconscious thought. I guess, like I said before, I should have this adult thing figured out. I should be productive, social, healthy, I'm in my 20s now! Actually, it's far more complicated and disappointing than I had predicted. 

Honestly though, I'm in my early 20s and my health I'm convinced has never been worse, I'm looking at taking a lighter course load next year partly for the reason I stated previously. I didn't work the school year, which I know is the right choice but I feel unproductive and lame? (not sure if that's exactly the right word to describe it). And I feel as though my confidence in my own capability to exist as a functioning human has regressed. I'm in a weird balancing act where I want to feel alive at this stage of my life and enjoy it to the fullest but I'm in the process of reconciling my current reality with the picture I had in my head of my own early adulthood.

Weirdly enough I didn't feel the same excitement about my birthday that I normally do, on account of me feeling like a had not met expectations of adulthood that I had built up in my head. And that my health is not in order. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for my 20s. But I still wonder at what point do I get to live up to my own expectations, hopes & dreams? Maybe I don't. But that doesn't mean life automatically sucks, so I guess we will see how things turn out. Hope and try for the best.

On a more positive note, I've made some progress in reconciling my health stuff with the life I thought I had and desired. I'm able to own up to my own limitations and acknowledge that I can't be quite as go with the flow as I'd like. It reads so simply as I'm typing this out, but to actually wrestle with it in one's own head is a vastly different experience. It's a nice feeling to be working towards a spot where I'm more at peace as well as confident in who I am and what my life may look like. Honestly, people have such intricate and unique lives, this image I apparently have had in my head for a while now is not the end-all-be-all. It's sort of comforting? For sure a work in progress. 

Here is another thing I've thought about since adulthood is where I'm at right now...

Have you been in a situation where a kid (maybe it's you) says that they can't wait to grow up? And then the adult in the vicinity (maybe you too) says that being an adult isn't that great and they would rather be a kid. Because life is so complicated, and adults can't just do whatever they want and so on and so on. Well since becoming an adult (still in the process if I'm being completely honest) I would give a different answer. I love being an adult, true that I don't have the full scope of it quite yet but I prefer it to being a child. Before you question my sanity, let me explain. Obviously, life is complicated and filled with responsibilities as an adult, ones that you often don't enjoy. However life is still complicated as a kid, your learning and developing for so long. Figuring out how to navigate a world that is not always friendly despite your optimism and enthusiasm. (As I type this I think I've come to a better conclusion than I previously had). I have expressed my thoughts on this common child-adult interaction and how I disagree. Expressing that one of the main things I prefer about adulthood is autonomy. 

This is where my new and improved conclusion begins: 

When a kid says that they want to be an adult and do whatever they want we know that they don't have the full scope of what it's like, how should they? They've existed on the same earth as us for a fraction of the time. They begin to learn from a young age that there are things we do as humans because we have to, not always because we want to. For example, brushing teeth, eating vegetables, sleeping etc. So they aren't unfamiliar with the concept, just the scale. What I think they are getting at -and I am speaking from my own experience and no other position of authority FYI- is that they want to make their own decisions. They want their autonomy. Obviously, a kid should not just be allowed anything and everything, they don't have the experience to make informed and safe decisions all the time. But that doesn't mean they don't have strong thoughts or opinions. 

Ok so there you go. That is my thoughts on that particular ongoing interaction between children and adults. Not that you asked or anything, but if you've made it this far in my rambling... maybe you were at least a little interested in what I had to say? 

Anywhoozle I think this is it. I guess we will meet again -or rather I will type and you will read again- in an unknown amount of time. 

May your houses always be filled with snacks,

Mia